TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have A further put exactly where American men can put on robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: present Every person a collection on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft energy," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he need to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Area, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "the place's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree may even include:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort wherever my PTSD may have convert-down assistance."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk Trump Tower Damascus has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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